1st round of dissapointment

I think this will offically become a TTC blog because I never realized how much I might need to vent, until now. I got my first BFN today and I'm spotting off and on. Everyone tells me that I still have a chance and as much as I want to believe it, I can't. Now I just want AF to get here so I can start a new cycle and try again.

It's so frustrating because my body is doing things that it has NEVER done. I never get cramps before the first day of my period, whether I was on or off BCP and yet I have had mild cramps the last two day. I have had massive heartburn that is totally unexplainable by anything other than blaming my weight. This is also the longest dpo I have gone, but I did start taking B-6 so maybe I can blame all this on that.

I 100% knew that it was totally possible to not get pg, I just think I had my heart set on it for so many reason. I would have a baby before my 30th birthday and the baby we be born between mine and Steve's birthdays. I would be getting pregnant and delivering in the same year so I wouldn't even have to consider switching to Steve's insurance because mine would cover it without added expense. Plus after having to TTA for so many months I'm a little desperate to get going.

There are just so many emotions going through me and while some are purely selfish and make me look like a big baby, they still suck! I'm just like all the other girls who want to have a baby and I have to remember to count my blessings that at least I am as normal as possible (from what we can tell). I guess I just need to stop focusing so much.

I have gotten myself in such a good habit of checking CM constantly and temping perfectly that I wonder if I am doing to much. Steve assures me that I'm not going overboard and I'm not ignorant to how it all works so he's okay with my medium level involvement in all this. In the end I still wonder!

So there's really nothing I do, I would expect a temp drop tomorrow and if for some reason it doesn't I'm not testing again until Sunday because I dont want another day with a mood like today! I'll assume I may get used to it and just become obbsessed with peeing on things instead but who knows.

Month by month, day by day, hour by hour, even down to the minute I just need to remember it will happen when it's supposed to!